Editor’s Note: This blog post was written about five or so years before I met my husband! Many single women have contacted me over the years saying this post really encouraged and inspired them. If you are single and in a season of “waiting” in your life right now, I pray you are encouraged by this post also!
Have you ever heard the saying,
“God is never late, never early, but always right on time?”
I’ve come to realize this truth more and more as time marches on. I’m 28 years old and still have so much more to learn in life, but one thing I know, God is always working for our good. He works all things out for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).
I told you how old I am because a lot of sistahs I’ve met lately are stressing that whole marriage thing. They are 22 years old, single, and think the world is coming to an end because they are not married. Well, I don’t have all the answers. I might not even have any answers! I don’t know why some women meet guys and get married right out of high school and why others of us marry much older in life. But I can share with you what I do know and how I personally feel and deal with being a 28-year old, single woman of God. Aiiright?
First of all, before I sound too spiritual or out of touch, let the truth be known that I want to be married, no doubt about it. God designed us to pair up with the other sex. God made Adam, and Genesis tells us that Adam was lonely so God made Eve, his partner.
I desire to find someone to journey through life with me, to share life’s pains and joys. Someone who complements me as a person. Someone who I also complement. I hope this person is my best friend because I want my mate to be someone I can share my entire life with, and vise-versa. I’m an encourager and giver by nature (by God’s design). I find great joy in sharing myself with others, so I look forward to sharing myself with my mate … you know, doing special things for that “special someone.” I have a big heart (smile). And let’s not front and be real here. I am looking forward to my honeymoon night, okay? The baby-making process will not be a “chore” for me, okay? (Smile.) I hope that doesn’t offend anyone. I’m just being real. I don’t think God accidentally made sex “feel good.” It’s just a shame that the world has perverted it and that sex occurs so much outside of the context of two committed married people.
I remember in Bible College that so many girls enrolled in the college specifically to find a man. I am not lying. Girls had no shame in making their pursuit of an “MRS degree” known (MRS = Misses). And usually they succeeded. It was sad to me. Firstly, the divorce rate for couples who “rushed” into marriage after meeting at my college was at an all time high. (I did mention I attended a Bible college, right?) And secondly, I was grieved that these girls whole life seemed to revolve about finding a mate, as though “life truly began at marriage” or something.
Some couples let their hormones drive them into marriage, which was probably why the divorce rate was so high. A couple would date, and then want to have sex or “make love,” but knowing that God did not approve of sex outside of marriage, the couple solved this by getting married. The only problem was that so many couples were getting married without really knowing each other. They weren’t fourth level friends. (Listen to the audio series linked on the Girlz Talk Home Page to find out waht a “fourth level friend” is.) So, after the honeymoon and a few months of great sex, these couples woke up in the bed next to people they really didn’t know. The couples often discovered they had had different visions and weren’t very compatible at all. And worst of all, most of them realized they weren’t in love. They had been “in lust.”
Can I get an amen?
But just as serious was the fact that these young girls revolved their lives around getting married. I had roommate who would get up at 4:00 in the morning to start her make-up process and her hair. Her mind was constantly thinking about her appearance and how she was perceived by guys, because she was looking for a mate.
Again, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be married. It’s only natural. As said earlier, God made Eve for Adam, know-what-I-mean? I want to be married one day. But meanwhile, I believe single women should pursue their own talents, goals, hopes, and dreams outside of marriage. What has God called you to do? Pursue that. I’ve heard some girls say, “God has called me to be a wife.” But I have a small problem with that. Can’t God use you as a single person? Surely He can! Find out what God’s calling is on your life outside of marriage. Marriage is about two people becoming life partners. A women is not supposed to find her identity in her husband, and it’s my personal opinion that marriage is not a “calling.” Find your calling now. A woman is supposed to find her identity in God, not in a man.
Instead of “looking” for a man, look to God to handle finding you a man… and live your life! Life doesn’t begin at marriage. You can live life now, abundantly. Pursue your dreams and put your skills and god-given talents to work. I think that a guy would be more attracted to a girl who is doing her own thing more so than a girl who is sitting around waiting to be married.
Some may argue that I am still single because I’m not out there “looking.” Granted, I probably should get out of the house more (laugh), and I do get out to as many outreaches and special events that I can. If I do meet someone, it might as well be at an outreach or other similar activity because that lets me know we share a common interest, because I intend to continue attending outreaches and being involved in Christian hip-hop events long after I’m married. I just don’t feel led to “seek out” or “pursue” a boyfriend or husband. I think that should happen naturally.
A few other rules I have are:
- Don’t compare yourself to others.
What God shows me may be completely different from how He wants to work in your life. Likewise, don’t compare your dating relationship to other people (or our marriage if you are married). God works differently with each couple. Each couple is made up of two very unique individuals. Relationships can not be compared one to another.
- Don’t date anyone you wouldn’t marry.
Why risk falling in love or getting involved with someone who isn’t marriage material? Or worse, why risk falling in love with someone God does not want you to be with? You can go out with guy friends to have fun and just hang out. But as far as going out on a “date,” or having a “boyfriend,” only select men who are marriage material. Girls, don’t date men who aren’t seriously in love with God! And by all means, make sure YOU have a GREEN LIGHT from God.
- Don’t let ignorant people get you down.
I’m being “real” again. People will say the most craziness things to young women who are not married, like something is wrong with you for being single.
My moms mean a lot to me. I say “moms” not because I’m being ghetto or using slang, but because I literally have two mothers! (**Smile**.) (My father married twice, so I have my “real mom” and my “step mom.”) And I really praise the Lord for them both. My real mom isn’t saved but my step mom is, but they BOTH encourage me to wait for God on the marriage thing.
My parents aren’t like a lot of parents trying to rush their kids into marriage. And I appreciate that. They encourage me. And my step-mom will tell me in a heartbeat if she thinks I’m getting involved with a “player.” They encourage me to pursue my talents and dreams and to hold out for God’s best. If I wanted to “just be married” to have a marital status, I could have accomplished that years ago. I was engaged in college. I had met a man, my first real boyfriend, who gave me my very first kiss! (Smile.) I was in love with this man and believed in him. But my dad turned out to be right about him. When my fiancé got into a situation where he felt pressured, he went back to dealing drugs. I knew that I could not marry someone who wasn’t completely over a problem like this, no matter how much I loved him. It was hard, but my parents had wisdom, because just a few years ago the wife of my old fiancé called me to report he had beat her up and stolen her car. That could have been me!
I guess I write all this to say, ladies, be encouraged! If you are single like me, be encouraged that God will send you your prince charming. Meanwhile, use your time wisely. There’s a lot of fringe benefits to being single that you should enjoy now that you might not be able to enjoy when you are married. For example, since I don’t have kids or a husband, it’s easy for me now to stay up crazy hours getting things done, like, right now it happens to be 3:00 am! (Smile.) I felt led to drop this article, so that’s why I’m up late, although I actually didn’t realize it was THIS late! (Laugh.)
As I shared before, I am a giving person and long to have someone to do special things for. Well, until I’m married, I can fulfill this desire through the Body of Christ. I make special things for my friends. I invite couples and friends over my house and cook them dinner. I baby-sit people’s kids every now and then. I host women’s slumber parties. When I need to “share my heart,” I have a few really close brothers of Christ I can confide in. (God has given me a very large family in the Body of Christ.) See, there’s things you can do to still fulfill your desires until you are married. Well, except for sex. Um, I guess you gotta hit the gym and work out to deal with that one! (Laugh.) That’s a whole other article. Actually, as I referenced before, please check out the special audio series now online at Girlz Talk! You will be SO MINISTERED and EDIFIED by these tapes. They are special tapes for women discussing guys, dating, SEX, marriage, and the whole 9, yo. It’s focused mostly on SEX. Brought raw, rugged, and BIBLICAL! For those of you without speakers, we will transcribe the basic outline of the tape series, including some of the Q&A’s on sex.
Well, this is me signing off with her single self but happy self (smile). And believe me, sistahs, it’s not always easy being single in a world that puts so much value on being married. I’ve cried just recently asking God, “When will I have someone to share the wonderful things you’ve blessed me with?” That’s when the Lord reminded me that I CAN share my blessings now with people … “in-the-meanwhile”… know-what-I-mean? But don’t, PLEASE don’t, let anyone make you feel bad for being single. Especially Christians!
I had a Christian once tell me, “You must not be right with God yet, and that’s why He hasn’t sent you your mate.” The person went on to say that once my life is straight, I’ll have a husband and be married. That was the craziness thing I ever heard! As we all know, heathens who do not know God and live in sin get married every day in courts all across America! And I also don’t like it when people say that I have to be this perfect person before I find a mate. On the contrary, I think that God continues to work on all of us, every day, married people and single people. If I waited until I was a perfect Christian before I got married, I’ll never get married! If anybody tells you that, you just tell them, “Why are you married then?” Cuz nobody is a perfect Christian, and it’s ridiculous to believe a person must be “perfect” before God sends the person a mate.
Granted, it’s BETTER for a person to wait until he or she are “full and complete individual in Christ” before uniting with another person, and sometimes we should not even be “on the market”), but all in all, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU just because you are not married. You got it?
Repeat after me,
“There is nothing wrong with me.”
Sometimes I think it’s the enemy that taunts single women with this myth and sometimes these worries cause them to rush into marriage with the wrong person. But be smart. Wait for the right person. It will happen. Meanwhile, live life. Get involved in ministry. Make a difference. Change the world. You don’t “need” a husband or a mate to these things. Grow as a person. Spend time being intimate with the greatest lover of all time: Jesus Christ! And one day you’ll find that human soul mate who is your perfect compliment. That’s what *I’m* believing!
UPDATE: June was married in April of 2004!